Getting checked out (no not like that)

In Sept 2019 I learned something about myself, discovering something I’d not felt before.

To explain what, I need to go back to April of that year where I found I had a lump on my chest. Of course being a man I did the thing that we men do exceedingly well and that’s ignore it and figure it would just go away.

But it didn’t, infact over the months it seemed to get worse. Now I’m really not one for hypochondria but in light of single parenting 3 kids I figured I should probably be a responsible grownup parent person and get it checked out.

So after visiting the good doctor (who wasn’t concerned) she referred me for an ultrasound just to make sure I hadn’t accidentally swallowed a boiled egg. The appointment to which I duly attended.

Now I’ve got to say I was always a little bit jealous of Rach when she would have an ultrasound for one of the boys – having that lovely jelly stuff slapped on your tummy and getting to take a sneaky peek inside of you, it just looked… nice…. well I was now going to experience it from the other side.

Little did I know things would take a sharp turn for the worse… for though my chest was fine, alas my ego was about to take a serious beating…

[Jonny arrives at Dr’s]

(Jonny) “Hello, I’m here to see the Doctor”

(Receptionist) “Which doctor?”

(Jonny) “No just the regular Doctor thanks” (ba dum – tish)

[Jonny walks in to Ultrasound room]

(Sonographer) “So what’s the problem”

(Jonny) “I seem to have a lump around my sternum”

(Sonographer) “Have you lost weight recently?”

(Jonny) “Why yes I have actually, AND I’ve been working out – thankyou for noticing”

(Sonographer) “No No I mean… oh never mind… I think I know what it is, please lie down, lift up your shirt”

[smears lovely jelly stuff on chest]

(Jonny inner monologue) “So this is what it feels like!”

(Sonographer) “Yep so I’ve discovered what the lump is, it’s your sternum”

(Jonny) “As in its all swollen and enflamed?”

(Sonographer) “nope – just your sternum, congratulations on discovering a body part. Feel free to come back next week and we can find your elbow for you if you like”

[Jonny looking sheepish] “So everybody has that lump between their ribs?”

(Sonographer) “Yep – you probably didn’t notice it before because it was well… padded”

[Jonny pulls down shirt and slowly walks to the door]

(Jonny) “So..I guess this must happen a lot?” [Nervous laugh]

(Sonographer) “Nah, next patient please!”

So there we go – on next week’s show ‘Jonny visits the dentist to discover what the white enamel things are sticking out of his gums’

Be sure not to miss it!