Menu Close

To the loveliest Mummy in the whole wide world

In our house, there’s a single draw which until recently was left untouched. Apart from a quick look, I’d largely left it alone. After my wife Rachel passed away in July 2019, one of the earliest fears I had was becoming afraid to be in my own home. How would I cope when I had to get into our big bed, alone? Would I be able to cook a meal in the kitchen that Rach had made her own? How would I ever be able to open her wardrobe, let alone sort it out.

I quickly made the decision that if I wasn’t to create ‘no go’ areas in our house, I needed to break those barriers early on. I did sleep in our bed, I embraced the kitchen (*cough* ok so I managed to use the kitchen to prepare basic meals), I opened the wardrobes and got out my favourite outfits of hers to remind me. At times, these were immensely painful things to do, often through tears and with a broken heart. But it meant, gradually, I was able to process the fact that Rach wasn’t here anymore, and she wasn’t coming back.

That’s not to say I was ready to face anything. The bag I’d taken to the hospital which had been returned to me, I threw to the back of the wardrobe out of sight, as with her handbag which was the ultimate snapshot of Rachel’s life on the day she became ill.

But as the months went by, I was able move around the house, sorting bits into things to keep and making the hard decision of what to let go of. My lovely friends had made us a beautiful big memory box with their written memories and photographs. In this box I placed some chosen items which I shall always love, her trusty, worn University of Sheffield hoody, her perfume that evokes so many happy times, and the possession that she perhaps treasured above all else, her dog-eared bible, with her personal markings in.

As I moved around the house at a pace which I could cope with, I got to the point where I only had one drawer left. It’s the top drawer of the bedside table on Rachel’s side of the bed (everyone has a side of the bed right?!). In many senses there was nothing stopping me sorting through that drawer, a year had passed and getting through that first anniversary felt like a huge achievement. Having spent a solid 3 months in lockdown alone with my 3 children, I had long since accepted that this was the ‘new norm’. In fact by then it just felt like the ‘norm’.

Yet I liked the idea of having a drawer that was still Rachel’s. A drawer that contained elements of a life which had in turn lit up and illuminated our lives, and the lives of many others too. It was one final unexplored link to a lifetime that had now passed, but which would be treasured for the rest of time. And It didn’t need to be explored yet, I would know when that time was right.

That moment came a few weeks ago. I’m not sure it was anything grand – perhaps because I was in search of paracetamol (Rach always kept a stash next to the bed), but for whatever reason I decided it was time to look through the drawer. Inside were various items of her favourite jewellery, a notepad (about which I shall write about another time), and most wonderful of all, a collection of cards and notes sent to Rachel by various people over the years which she clearly cherished. Right at the top was the Mother’s Day card she had received from us in March 2019. Harry had done amount of the writing having just turned 5 and drawn a picture of the 4 of us men, of which I was particularly happy with the tall, thin body he had given Daddy.

For once, it had been a card which wasn’t personalised with pictures of the boys on the front (Poor, but not unexpected, planning from Daddy), but it was bright and simple, and read ‘To the loveliest Mummy in the whole wide world!’

For Harry and Josh that was their lived experience. Sure she was the only Mummy they had known, but as far as they are concerned, it wouldn’t be possible to find a lovelier Mummy.

Rachel was never happier than when she was with Harry, Josh and Jude – she loved them so much and amongst the amazing peace and joy I have that Mummy isn’t gone forever, she’s with Jesus in Heaven, the one sadness which I shall never shake off, is how much I miss seeing her with them. I treasure those memories such a great deal.  

Mother’s Day is therefore a hard day. But through the sadness, we’ll also be celebrating and giving thanks for our wonderful Mummy, and the precious years we could spend together. For us, she will always be the loveliest Mummy in the whole wide world.

Related Posts

6 Comments

  1. Ian Wilson

    Hi Jonny, thanks for sharing this. It’s scary how massively similar your situation is to mine. Down to the hospital bag that I still have slung to the back of the wardrobe. I have sorted through 80% of my wife’s things. Problem is I really wanted to donate them to a women’s charity because I think that’s what she would have wanted. But finding one that will take donations during lockdown has been impossible. My wife died at 34, 5 weeks after a shocking cancer diagnosis. Leaving me with our three year old son. I’ve found lockdown incredibly difficult so can’t imagine it with three children. My wife was Catholic, but I am an atheist, despite this after sadness my biggest emotion is anger at ‘fate’ for taking such a light from the world. I started a blog as well but haven’t posted for a long time because it’s been too difficult but feel free to read it http://www.runningforsafety.com. anyways thanks again for sharing. Much love to you and the boys.

    • Jonny Wicks
      Jonny Wicks

      Hi Ian, Thank you so much for writing this and sharing your blog. I’ve just read through it all and it resonates in so many different ways, from that desire to want to ‘fix’ the thing that’s happened, to the immense pain of thinking about all those ‘Without Mummy’ moments your children will experience in their lives. I haven’t yet decided what to do with Rachel’s clothes (currently in suitcases in the loft), but that is a lovely idea, thank you. Take care and love to your little man. If you ever want to catch up or chat please just give me a shout.

  2. Judita Gudziuniene

    This article just brought me to tears. Thinking what an amazing family you are. I do believe that mummy is always one step behind you. Because nothing can beat mother’s love. Have a Happy Mother’s day boys! 💞

  3. Alison

    A Beautiful tribute to your lovely Rachel. I wonder if she guided you to find the Mothers Day card so you could share it with your boys.

    Take care Jonny 😊

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *